End of September…..Existing in a loop. Same thing day in, day out. Going through the motions, trying to make life feel like normal if there is such a thing anymore. There really isn’t, is there. Normal life…. For now, it is existing, really. In a loop. Getting up at the same time, doing the same thing. Every day, all day. Trying to keep positive. Knowing, or hoping, that myself and everyone I love, are keeping safe in an unsure world. We worry even when we try not to. We are bombarded daily with it all. Pandemic, politics…..and so much more. It is hard some days to keep it all together and to be honest, some days it is impossible.
I have seen a lot of images like these lately on my Facebook memory feed. This is the time of year we normally travel to Colorado and seeing them makes me sad. There has been NO traveling. Never mind I wanted to do more of it this year and write about it here. That is pretty minor right now. I can’t even travel within an hour to visit my sisters. It has been a long time and it could be a long time more. It hurts every bit of my being to not be able to see or hug my family right now. None of us are getting any younger. Every minute gone is one we will never get back. There has been no reunions, no celebrations, no family dinners on holidays, and we will be missing out on a wedding coming up this week.
I tell myself to hang in there, bide my time and at some point, probably not in the near future, but at some point, things will be better.
I try to read, to write, to draw and it feels like those genes have gone by the wayside. I am going to try harder. I am here writing now, maybe not about what I wanted to, but about what is real and here and now.
I need to do more so that this loop of existence has a few curves, a few turns. I am thankful for this place out in the country because I can go outside and find some peace in nature even if it is momentary.
I hope you are all doing well or at least hanging in there. Know there are a lot of us struggling with the reality of our world right now. I think there might be some that are putting up a brave face and are struggling more than we know. I am not sure what the answer is, because saying that things will get better seems cliche and maybe dismissive.
Here is yet another thing we all say…take it one day at a time.
Sometimes, it is one hour at a time, one minute at a time. Have a cry if you need to. I do once in awhile.
Grieve for what we have lost.
Have hope for what will come.