I have this big birthday coming up. BIG. One that my mind is struggling with. Mostly because I cannot believe that I am already this old. It can’t be. That old saying about how time flies faster the older you get? Yeah, it isn’t just an old saying. It is true.
I started thinking about it a lot this morning. I got to thinking about what I thought it would be like to be this age and realized, it is NOTHING like I expected. My uncle told me once it was weird being older. He felt the same from the neck up. Then he looks in the mirror. And it isn’t the same. I get that. SO much. I get that.
I don’t feel any older in my head. I was thinking back even to when I was a child. I don’t feel much different than that, either. Thoughts, feelings, a lot of things have not changed. I still think too much, worry too much, FEEL too much. I think by now I thought I wouldn’t care how people treated me, or things wouldn’t hurt my feelings so easily. But that hasn’t changed. That surprises me. We can say we don’t care what people think of us, or say about us but I wonder if that is really true for most. I can only tell you, it isn’t for me. I wish so much it was. Because..my feelings still can get hurt easily. I cry still too easily because of it. I feel bad when I am still left out. Heck, even when I see family and friends commenting on Facebook on OTHER family and friends pages and not mine, that still hurts. Ridiculous, you say? Maybe, but it is how I feel and try as I might, I can’t seem to change it. It makes me wonder, what did I do? Why don’t they like me as much as the others. And at this age…or any, for that matter, why DOES it matter? Yeah, I got to thinking about that, too.
My self esteem took a big hit early in my life once my dad died when I was four and my mom remarried someone I never liked or got a long with, someone who was always quick to criticized. I was never pretty enough, smart enough, skinny enough….you get the idea. I never lost that. Then, we have a society that makes those of us who aren’t ‘the best’ keep feeling that way. I got to wondering WHY do we always have to be ‘the best.’ Why do we always award it, too. Why can’t I just be me and have that be good enough? Even at almost 60.
I thought by now, life would be easy, and fun, full of family gatherings, grand kids, travel…etc. But life can have a way of surprising us. I don’t want it to be a life of just existing, paying bills, working, that mundane stuff. I want to still be awed by everything. I guess if anyone knows me, they know I still am….whether it be
Okay, by pretty much everything! I am happy that I am still inspired, made speechless, brought to tears, full of emotion about it all.
I think talking about the other obvious, not so fun changes…you know, the looking in the mirror wondering who that old person is looking back and the, where are my glasses, I can’t see kind of changes, can wait. Or be ignored. Yeah, that one, sounds like a better idea!