The day started out with a beautiful sunrise.
I hadn’t taken a picture of a sunrise for awhile, so I took it this morning. I still love every one. The beautiful sky didn’t last long today. Right now it is cloudy and grey out. I am not sure if it reflects my mood or if it is the reason for it. Maybe it is a bit of both.
Today, I can’t stop thinking about things. THINGS. Sad things. My heart hurts a lot still kind of things.
I went back and read some messages and emails from my brother today. I am glad I have them. But they made me cry. I wanted that visit in the spring. I wanted to hang out and talk and laugh and hug him when he came in and when he left. I wanted to make promises of more visits. I feel robbed. How fair is it that I am just getting to know my big brother again, just talking about our lives again, and he is suddenly gone. I am angry. It is too soon. There are so many more things to do, to say. I want more moments. More time. I remember after my mom died how different I felt. I mentioned how my place in the world, without parents, suddenly felt different. It feels that way again. Different. Sometimes different is a good thing, this time, it isn’t. It is a sad different, a bit of an uncomfortable different. It is a different that I don’t want to be or feel.
It has been a week since I have got home from Colorado. It is almost like we never went. It is almost like it isn’t real. But we did. And it is. I wish we could rewind and it was just a normal visit that we had planned on making. I want to think about it and have happy memories only-to forget the sad and painful ones.
I wish I could forget the call from my sister. The words. The hurt. But I can’t. And here we are.
A grey Sunday, sitting in the quiet with my thoughts and feelings. I would have liked this week for a text or a call, an invite to coffee or a ‘how are you doing’, even an ‘I am thinking about you.’
I am trying not to think of the what ifs….or wonder what other things he would have done. I knew he wanted to write a book. He told me of three that he had ideas for…and , of course, like me, never felt good enough. I have read some of his writings, and went back and read this blog he had, and he WAS good enough. I am sorry we will never get those books now. The what ifs…the what could have beens….
Life goes on for those of us left behind. Day to day things we have to do. Other things thrown in. Trying to find the smiles and laughter when we can. We need to. Although life will never be quite the same and I know these grey days will happen, I will laugh, I will smile…and I will be able to remember John not always with a painful heart, but a joyous one. The world is a better place because he existed. His loving legacy lives on through his amazing family!
As I type those last words, funny, the sun is peeking through the clouds!