This has turned out to be already one of the most trying weeks of my life. Sunday night and Monday morning we said good -bye (see you later!) to Amy.  Her Celebration of Life was the most beautiful funeral I have ever been to. Our blogger group went together, sat together, leaned on each other.  Yesterday we mentioned songs and music and not wanting to go to any more funerals.

At lunch time we were talking about songs, or reminders.  I told them about the time I went to my cousins wedding, and it was time for the father/daughter dance.  Daddy’s Little Girl played. I sobbed.  My big brother put his arm around me and said, ‘Sometimes, you just can’t listen.’ ‘Sometimes, you just can’t help it, I replied.’  After lunch, I went home and needed to run to the store.  I needed some normal routine.  On the way home, “Turn, Turn, Turn,” by the Byrds came on my radio…you know the one… a time for every purpose under heaven.  To laugh, to weep, to be born, to die…. I assumed it was a message about Amy. I am pretty sure now, I was wrong.

Last night my phone rang. It was one of my sisters. I immediately knew something was up.  I was right.  She said the words….”John died.”  I knew I heard it wrong.  I said WHAT?  Yes, she said, my niece had called and our brother had died.  There were few details, but at that point, details were the last thing I wanted. All I knew was that I no longer had a brother.  My heart started racing, feeling like it was going to explode.  I started shaking and didn’t quit for a long time.  The sobs came and they still do.  The reality doesn’t want to sink in.  He was supposed to come back home this spring to visit us all.  I was supposed to get another big brother hug like the last time I saw him after too long away.  I remember hugging him and saying “I love you, you are my big brother.”  We had recently been visiting more on Facebook and by email.  He had recently started connecting with our ‘long lost’ family from my dad’s side.

This isn’t fair. Not one little bit. I feel lost. I feel like I have never felt before.  I have lost many people in my life, but never my brother.

My brother was a quiet kind loving man. I know he was affected a lot by losing dad so young. We all were, but I know it has to be different for a son than it is a daughter.  I hope he is already getting to know him, I just wish it wasn’t now.

He fiercely loved his family.  His wife. Four daughters, one son and a LOT of grandchildren!  There are a lot of us that will miss him in our lives, each in our own way.

I often talk about life being too short.  I am tired of the reminders that it is.  I really don’t need any more of them! Please, be kind to others.  Life is about loving each other.  What else is there that matters?  Nothing.

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This is a picture from the last time I saw him. It was after another sad funeral. It was after I got that last brother hug.  I never imagined I would never see him again.

I already miss you big brother….I love you. Always have. Always will.

It is now, my time to weep…..