About what, you ask.
Every day brings a new chance at…..
I started thinking about it this morning when I was thinking, yet again, for probably the millionth time, about starting eating healthy, getting moving and losing weight also in the process. Yes, again. You would think in all of these years that I have struggled with weight I would have it figured out. You would think I would have it all ingrained into my brain.
Being human, it isn’t always so black and white. Every day is a different day than the last. There is always a reason why I ‘failed’ that day. Some are easy. Maybe there is just too much junk food around. Maybe one of the kids decided to make something incredibly delicious.
Both of these were recipe inventions by my kids. First one was s’more cookies by my daughter and the second one is fried bacon in pancake batter then deep fried. Both, delicious. Now, I couldn’t really tell them I wouldn’t try them, right? That, in itself, would not have been so bad if I only could stop at that. With them being delicious, it was too easy to keep eating. It usually always is for me. I like to eat. Most of us do, right? I love to go out and try new places. I enjoy going to dinner with friends. Now when I am really ‘doing good’, I have no problem just ordering grilled chicken and broccoli, but sometimes, I just don’t want to! Unfortunately, I find once I do that, it becomes a slippery slope. Then all the good I have done, seems to get undone pretty darn fast!
Through the years I have been up, then down so many times, I have lost count. I want to be able to take off the weight I want to, and keep it off without so much work. I think a lot of it goes back to self-esteem. Of which, I lacked much of! I think I still do. There was/is always a prettier, skinnier sister or friend. There is always someone who can make me feel awkward and yes, not ever good enough. (For what, I wonder, sometimes!) I let the bad feelings and defeat get to me more often than I should.
I have got to the end of the day and felt like a total failure. I have cried, knowing that I DO know better and DO know how to do this, but that I have not honored that for far too long and I do not like the way I look and feel. I have cried feeling like that failure, believing what was told to me too long ago. That I was a quitter, that I wasn’t the pretty sister or smart one, or talented one, or the small one. I was made to feel too often that no matter what, it wasn’t good enough. And no matter what, it seems it has been something that I have not been able to overcome. It seems that this has affected many areas of my life and not just when it comes to my weight or appearance.
I am trying to do better. Still. I keep trying to make those good choices, the smart ones. I want to make those good choices for the reason of health, mostly. I do, for the most part. Maybe some of my frustration comes from doing just that and still not losing anything, still staying the same.
I have to learn at the end of the day to quit feeling bad about the choices I have made. I have to remain positive and I have to stop beating myself up. This doesn’t just apply to eating choices, but to every aspect of my life.
We need to remember that with every goal we set and don’t achieve, with every list that we make but don’t complete, with every choice we make that we are not happy with, every day that dawns brings a new chance to try again and just maybe that day will be the day we succeed!