Survivor’s Guilt

it’s October and you know what that means, don’t you?

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We are reminded at least 5,230 times a day!  Or so it seems! (While I am writing this, I am watching the Today show and guess what the story is right now?!) I always struggle with this month.  It just feels like a superficial money grab for so many companies.  I am not a fan of pink!

Why pick just one cancer and why just one month?  I think we need a cancer awareness month, no year.  Cancer awareness every single day. I saw a picture on Facebook yesterday that showed cheerleaders in their pink for ‘breast cancer awareness’ outfits, ribbons.  It said that was not breast cancer awareness and showed what WAS. Pictures of brave women and their scars-the real truth that people don’t see or like to think about.

The other day a good friend asked me if I ever felt guilty?  I had wrote a status on Facebook about a friend struggling with and fighting against cancer again. It was funny he had asked, because I had just thought about that.

You who are survivors, do you have survivor’s guilt?

I do. Every time I lose a family member, a friend. Every time someone is diagnosed, for the first time, second, even third or more.  I even feel it when I hear about people I don’t know fighting and losing. Each struggle, each battle, whether won or lost, makes me feel it.

I wonder why. We, as humans, like to ask that a lot I think.  Why them?  Why are they not a 12 year survivor?  Why me?  My sister told me once my work here is not done, but who really thinks that their’s is?  Don’t we always want more, have more to do?  Why did my dear, dear uncle have it return to only lose his battle?  Why do my friends have to go through the hell that is diagnosis and treatment?  Why do I have a dear friend in the battle for her life now?

The why’s can drive you crazy if you let them!  I just have to remember to be thankful. For every year, every day, every single minute.  I try to be kind, do good and take care of those things and people that I need to take care of.

I have told my story in the hopes of helping others.

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As I have shared, I was afraid to tell my story at first. Or at least to write the book about my journey.  I was afraid. What if that was what I was still here for and when I got done……  Funny how our minds work.

I am not sure how to get over the survivor’s guilt. If I ever will.  I am not sure I ever want to. It serves as a reminder to be to be thankful. For so much.  For everything. Every single day.

And I am.

2 comments

  1. You have bravely faced this disease head on and shared your story so others can understand what the experience was like for you. I am sure October is hard when there is pink everywhere . And yes—all cancer is horrible and needs to be recognized every single day. Awareness and education is key and you have been an important part of raising that awareness. Thank you!

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