I am NOT a drama loving person. I imagine there are some people who might disagree. But trust me, drama and confrontations and verbal sparring are some of my very least liked things of all. I don’t like how it makes me feel and I don’t like how it makes others feel. I am not sure just what it all accomplishes anyhow.
You may not believe it, but throughout my school life and a bit beyond, I was considered quiet. I sat back, never said a word, and just took it all in. I was a listener, mostly. I did good in school, but did not raise my hand even when I knew an answer. I did not like to speak up and I did not like to be the center of attention. (I actually still don’t!)
Then I had to become a voice for my son. I had to become his advocate and fight for rights for him that shouldn’t have had to be fought for in the first place! I found out if I was insistent, if I stood my ground, we got what he needed. He ended up doing very well in school and making a mark on those around him!
When he was young and got out of the house and our life was put into upheaval, I become a voice for MANY! I attended legislative sessions, forums, started a family rights group, and appeared on many tv shows, newscasts, and radio shows. I found that voice that was so long silent.
I am not sure if all those years of repression at home, not being allowed to really voice my opinion along with being silent in school, all that was bottled up, suddenly just all came out. I think it never stopped. I found that I became passionate about my causes and beliefs. I got breast cancer and I talked about it, i wrote about it, I became a speaker about it. It has become just who I am. Someone who now speaks up.
Sometimes, I think that might get me into trouble with others. I think many times it has been taken wrong. It is not how it is meant to be. I tend to speak from the heart. A heart that most times I wear on my sleeve. Sure, it gets hurt a lot and I carry that deeply. I like to think that more times that passion and being outspoken has helped more than it has hurt. For hurting anyone or offending is something I never want to do. That is devastating to me to think I could.
I think of fights with kids, family or friends, and it horrifies me how much that passion can turn on you and come out of your mouth as hurtful things. Have you ever been in a fight with someone-verbally of course-and you keep thinking to yourself….SHUT UP! Quit saying that. WHO ARE YOU? There are some times from the past, that although apologies were made, I have not forgot about and never will.
Some people believe that part of our ‘judgement’ someday is that we will have to relive how we made everyone feel. Think about that for a minute. How is YOUR judgement going to feel?
I am trying to be better. I don’t want to complain about things. What is the point? How does it make it better? I am trying not to let things get to me. What will be, will be. I have always always felt things deeply and that hasn’t always worked out so well. I know every day before this one has made me who I am. I usually love that person. It is the only one I get to be! Sometimes I think, wish, I could be so much different than I am!