Do you find yourself wondering that? I do. I am 55 years old and wondering who am I? Have I done the things in life I was supposed to? Am I doing the things now to make myself happy?
“It is never too late to be what you might have been.” – George Eliot
My childhood was pretty suppressive. Most of it, I was not allowed to do anything but clean the house, babysit my siblings and not much else. They were pretty strict. I didn’t have the backing or support for things I may have been good at, or was. I was a good student. I could have been better. I liked to write. I liked art. I started at college right after high school as expected, but I was just so glad to be away from home, I didn’t take it very serious. I didn’t know what I wanted to be, what I should be, so that resulted in many different majors and not ever finding my way.
I got accepted into a Commercial Art program and even though I showed a portfolio to get into it, I never went as I never felt good enough. I still love art, but don’t often draw or anything anymore. I have attempted off and on to pick it up again, but it doesn’t last. So I am thinking, that art is something I like to do, but probably wasn’t the thing I was meant to do. But what if it was and I just didn’t know it? I wonder how different my life might have been if I had followed through.
I finished cosmetology school because I was needing to do something, it was a year of school and I was pretty good at that too. I did it for a little while, but drifted away from that too. So that wasn’t me. Not really.
I have always liked to write. From poetry in high school, to short stories, to blogs, obviously, to books. I love this. But although this is what I love-you guessed it-I don’t feel good enough. So is it me or isn’t it?
I am not just talking about careers either. What about other things? Being a mom was something I always wanted in life. I was blessed with four kids. My life as a mother has been an adventure. It is the hardest thing I have ever loved to do! And its also the easiest. I loved them as babies, as toddlers, as pre-teens, as teens and now as young adults. I have laughed at them, with them. I have cried over them, for them. I have known joy and heartache. But, it is just a part of me.
I am a wife. That isn’t an easy part of me either. Just like with kids, it has been happy, sad, heartbreaking, joyful. It is also just a part of me.
At some points, I am an activist. Having a child with a disability has put me into all kinds of fights and struggles and worlds I never imagined. I was his voice when he had none. I fought for his rights, for inclusion, I changed some laws because of him. I had cancer. I am a survivor. I became vocal in the fight against cancer. My book is about my journey through it all. It made me someone I never expected to be.
I have realized that maybe the person who I am now, might not have been who I envisioned myself to be and maybe even not the one that I may have chosen. I have realized I am the person I was always meant to be. I am the sum of all my life experiences.
That is who I am.