I have struggled with my weight and the issues that go with it my whole life. All of it. As long as I can remember. I was hoping by the time I hit this part of my life I wouldn’t be worrying or stressing about it like I did in my past.  I have found out that nothing has changed as I got older. Well, except my body and the looks of it and places I lose and gain now. I mean the mental issues and struggle are the same.  I don’t want to worry about it anymore, but I am beginning to think that it is a part of my DNA!

I remember being 5′ 8″ in 6th grade and 124 pounds.  Even then I was made to believe I was a ‘big’ girl. We had a track meet and they actually had an event for girls 115 pounds and over!!  How humiliating when you think of it.  Some of the girls refused to participate because they didn’t want people to know.  Some of the kids said they didn’t think I weighed ‘that much’. It made me feel bad, actually. (I ran the race and got a blue ribbon, btw!)  I had a stepsister who was a couple years younger than me, and she was smaller. My stepfather once said the boys liked her because they liked ‘little girls’. So the messages to me started early.  The messages you see even now in the media so often. The message that somehow we are valued less if we weigh more. How ridiculous is that. More ridiculous is that we listen and internalize it.

After I graduated and left home I lost and gained weight throughout the years. Even at my lowest, I never felt thin enough. You would think I would realize then that my weight had nothing to do with me as a person. I have been a size 4 and a size 16. I am most comfortable at what I am now.  I will just say it is neither of those, because that is not what should matter, now, is it?

I have been dieting again. I have found at my age, the weight goes on so easily. I do not even have to overeat. I can eat like most people do normally and still gain. I have to watch every little thing.  Eating like everyone else, put back on 20 unwanted pounds.  I worked on it and lost it again and then got tired of dieting and gained a few back. Those are the ones I struggle with now. But I don’t want to. I don’t want to have to watch every little thing I eat. I want to enjoy a night out with my husband or friends and eat what they do.  I want to have that piece of red velvet cheesecake that my son makes and makes so well!

I mostly need to eat healthy for the reason that I want to BE healthy. So I do.  And that seems to work the best. But I eat whatever, whenever if I want to. I am just trying to get over feeling guilty when I do! I don’t like the struggle of it all taking any joy away from me.

I struggle with the body image every day. I do NOT like my middle age body. I want the firm stomach or the firmer one, at the very least. I do not want my arms to keep waving long after I stop! I want my husband to think his wife is still hot.(His words!) I still want to turn heads.  And why? Is it because all those years of the images on tv and in magazines is ingrained in my head? Do I still feel inferior and less accepted if I weigh too much or am too flabby? Is my worth really in how I look?!

I work on it always. I imagine I always will, although it is an issue that I would like to leave behind! So, I will eat healthy. Most times.  I will work on the flab. Sometimes.  And when my son makes that cheesecake? I will eat it if I want to!